On bad days

How we talk about mental health.

(Dark Clouds)

Yesterday was a bad day for me.

There was no specific reason why. Or, at least, none that I could figure out. I got up, wrote, dropped my kids off at sports. That’s my usual routine these days. (And, yes, I know it is a luxury.)

But something felt off — a sense of dread hanging over me. I couldn’t kick my worries about the future — where I’ll work next (and when), will the kids do ok in school and in sports etc. — and it dogged me all day.

Today is better (thanks for wondering!). But yesterday did get me to thinking about bad days — and how we talk (and, really, don’t talk) about them.

We now live in a world in which, it seems, no one has a bad day. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok or any other social media platform and the prevailing sentiment is that everyone on there is having the absolute time of their lives.

Life looks like one big vacation — at a beautiful resort surrounded by loving friends and family.

But, we know from the data that life isn’t always — or even often — like that.

A CDC report out earlier this summer showed that 1 in 5 people have been diagnosed with depression at some point in their lives.

In May, a Gallup report suggested that “U.S. Depression Rates Reach New Highs.” That report included this chart — detailing those who have suffered from depression at some point in their lives and those struggling with it right now.

That same month, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared that the country was in a “public health crisis of loneliness, isolation, and lack of connection,” noting that “approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.” (You can read the full report here.)

And then there’s this: Suicide rates in 2022 are believed to be the highest since pre World War II, according to data from the CDC. (Almost 50,000 Americans killed themselves last year.)

Now, to be clear, I am not equating my bad day with people who are battling depression, suicidal thoughts or both. I am not naive enough to think that one bad day comes even close to those struggles.

But, I DO think that the disconnect between the world of Instagram (and other social media) and our lived reality is a huge problem. We don’t really have good language for how to talk about when we are down. And it remains a major social stigma to say “I feel shitty today” and/especially “I am depressed.”

That inability — or unwillingness — to talk about feeling bad (either for a day or for a lot longer) speaks to a broader problem in the country: We treat physical health and mental health totally differently.

One example: On Tuesday, while playing pickup basketball, North Dakota Doug Burgum, who, you may know, is running for president, tore his Achilles tendon. Aside from a few questions about whether he would be able to participate in tonight’s presidential debate — it appears he will! — no one batted an eye at the report.

Now imagine if it came out that Burgum was thinking of skipping the debate because he had been struggling with depression of late. Can you imagine the coverage? There would be calls for Burgum to leave the race. Questions about his sanity (although depression and sanity have nothing to do with one another). It would be a whole to-do.

Truth is, you don’t even need to wonder how it would turn out. Just look at how Pennsylvania Sen. John Fetterman was treated when he announced earlier this year that he was taking a medical leave of absence to deal with his depression.

Yes, plenty of people were supportive. And a few other senators even came out and talked about their own struggles with depression. Which, great!

But there were people — Republicans especially — who said he should leave office entirely! Hell, Fox News ran this headline: “Pennsylvania governor refuses to ask Fetterman to resign following hospitalization for depression.”

Do you think those resignation calls would have come if Fetterman had to be hospitalized for a physical ailment? No effing way.

Societally, we still regard mental health — and even talking about the topic publicly — as a sign of weakness. We still believe people will judge us for feeling bad.

Except that, if all of the data is to be trusted (and it is), we are ALL — or at least most of us — struggling a decent amount. Yes, some more than others. And yes, there are those people who never struggle with depression or negative thoughts for a single day of their lives.

But, most of us are not those people. Most of us are having good days and bad days.

For me, the best way to combat my bad days is with some perspective. As in, yes, today sucks. But not every day sucks. And here are 8 things I am really happy about it my life.

The other thing that helps me deal with bad days is writing. It helps me process how I feel. And in sharing it, I feel like I am making a difference — even a tiny one — in our willingness to talk openly about our own mental health and, yes, struggles.

So, yeah, yesterday, sucked. Today is better. Who knows about tomorrow. But, I know I am not alone — and that’s what really matters.