RESOLVED: Cruises are the worst
Never, ever.
On Monday, I saw this tweet:
This, I take it, is meant to be a pitch for this behemoth of a boat — although touting it as a) larger and b) heavier than the Titanic is, um, a questionable marketing technique.
Intrigued by the “Icon of the Seas,” I went digging for for information on it. Which is plentiful!
Built in Finland, the “Icon of the Seas” is nearly 1,200 feet long and weighs more than 250,000 tons. And it’s meant to float! And go into the open ocean!
There’s an amazing website dedicated to the boat which has not only the largest pool ever on a cruise but also the “first openfreefall waterslide” — whatever that is.
But, wait there’s more! This comes from CNN:
The ship promises more than 40 ways to dine, drink and be entertained, many of which are included in the cruise fare. With 20 decks and eight neighborhoods to explore, the idea is to cater to every type of vacationer, with everything from areas dedicated to young families, to adults-only spaces such as Royal Caribbean International’s first dueling pianos bar.
There are 28 different types of accommodations, with more categories for families, more layouts with ocean views and more space for group travelers. The cruise line says it’s the longest timeframe it’s ever dedicated to “designing the perfect home base.”
The perfect home base! Forty ways to dine, drink and be entertained!
This all sounds, in a word, terrible. Or in two words, absolutely terrible. I would NEVER set foot on that boat — or anything even close to that large.
I was opining on what a floating nightmare this all seems on Twitter when someone asked me to explain my long-held bias against cruises. ( I have never been on one and will never, willingly, go on one.1)
I think my objections fall into a five broad categories:
Other people. Go back and read the stats on the “Icon of the Seas.” It holds 5,600 passengers and another 2,350 crew members. Doing a bit of back of the envelope math, that’s almost 8,000 people milling around in a (relatively) confined space. I don’t like being around 80 other people — or even, if I am being honest, 8 other people — when I am on vacation. The idea of being surrounded by more people than lived in the town I grew up in? No way.
Rogue Waves. You are familiar with these right? Massive ways that appear out of nowhere in the open ocean? Here’s how the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) describes them:
Rogues, called 'extreme storm waves' by scientists, are those waves which are greater than twice the size of surrounding waves, are very unpredictable, and often come unexpectedly from directions other than prevailing wind and waves.
Most reports of extreme storm waves say they look like "walls of water." They are often steep-sided with unusually deep troughs.
These things happen! Not frequently, but enough! And, one time in the open ocean is one time too many. Plus, anything called a “killer wave” is something I am not interested in being associated with.
Just watch this video and tell me this isn’t terrifying.
Norovirus: So far in 2023, there have already been 13 outbreaks of norovirus on cruise ships. It’s a surge!
What is norovirus you ask? It’s a “highly infectious virus that causes inflammation in the stomach and intestines, a condition called acute gastroenteritis,” according to CNN. You poop. You barf. Sometimes both at the same time! It is unpleasant.
And there’s this: You get norovirus from ingesting microparticles of feces or vomit. Um…
“Poop Cruise”: Remember that? Yeah.
Other people: It’s important enough that I am mentioning it twice. You are trapped on a boat with 8,000 other people. Yes, it is a big boat. But it is still a freaking boat. You can’t get off. 2
I realize I am in the minority here. I know people — normal people, people I like — who go on a cruise (or even multiple cruises) every single year. They seem to love it. They eat, they drink. They would probably love the “first openfreefall waterslide!”
And cruises are not only for people with kids and older folks anymore either! Gen Z and millennials are getting into them, according to this CBS News report:
Cruises — often the vacation style of choice for families and older generations — have started to appeal to an unlikely cohort: Millennials and Generation Z, who see cruising as good value for their money.
Cruise lines are taking note, and updating their offerings to capture this interest from younger consumers who prize experiences like travel — so long as they can do it their way, and not their parents'.
Which, fine! To each their own — or whatever.
But, again, you will NEVER catch me on a cruise. Not one time. Give me a nice, empty beach and some ocean waves. Every. Damn. Time.
I have ONE exception to this rule: The Viking River Cruise. They always advertised for these cruises during “Downton Abbey” and I will admit I sort of want to go on one.
Behold! All of the (valid) concerns you have described are mitigated by the somewhat more expensive, but *far* superior travel option: river cruises.
What I dislike about cruises is their environmental impact. I had the good fortune to visit the Galapagos Islands in 1963 part of US Navy support of a scientific expedition, only the fourth since Darwin was there (and the turtle they carved a date in back in 1835 was still alive to greet us). At the time there were 1,500 residents in the islands and they were only on two of them; today there are 50,000 residents. And the cruise ships that have stopped by over the past 30 years have thoroughly polluted the surrounding ocean, dumping the poop of 5,000 idiots at a time. Something like this behemoth... wow.
But your mention of rogue waves is interesting. We could use something like this for the remake of "The Poseidon Adventure." Hollywood likes to do remakes that are the original on steroids, and this would certainly be that.