There is no such thing as parenting perfection. Thanks for sharing, Chris. And, for being able to learn a lesson from your son. It takes a man to recognize a mistake, to try to learn from it, and to share the lesson with the rest of us.
It’s fine (and good) to hold yourself accountable. It might even be appropriate when your son points out your mixed messages, to acknowledge that and thank him. The fact that he can tell you that says a lot right there. He feels comfortable enough to tell you what he’s really thinking. You should be proud of creating an environment where he feels like he can be honest with you.
A small kudos to your kid for speaking up. I don't think I would have been as brave as him to speak up and point out MY Dad's contradictions. I think it is a very positive compliment to your relationship if he's comfortable giving you constructive criticism without fear. It's a bonus that you're willing to listen and learn from it.
I just want to say how much I love this article! Parenting is hard, but it helps when you hear that you aren't the only one who isn't perfect at it. We can learn so much from our children!
I consider myself to be an excellent parent and father. I’m also a very good baseball coach to 13 of the 14 players on the team. To my son, I admit to being a bad coach. I was unfair and overly critical of him.
Thankfully for him, he was a much better golfer than he was a baseball player.
Although an avid golfer, I had no clue on how to coach an aspiring scratch golfer (he achieved that goal in his early 20’s without my help.) Being away from me while playing golf was actually better for his development.
He’s 37 now. No longer plays baseball or softball, but he’s still the best golfer I’ve ever played with.
BTW, I repeated the same scenario with his younger brother, also a scratch golfer.
Both of them have forgiven me!
I’m glad you learned this lesson earlier than I did.
Love reading your stuff. I also love your non-political stuff periodically.
Good parenting is acknowledging your mistakes and sincerely apologizing to your kids when you mess up. And taking the lesson to heart and doing better next time.
Being a parent is a CONSTANT work in progress. Being a parent of an 11 yo is different than being a parent to an teenager. Then when they are in college it is WAY different.
I am relearning how to be a parent to an adult and communicate and not try to control like my mother did. Give yourself some Grace.
Very good observations... and good parenting. No parent is perfect, but good parents are honest about their short-comings and learn from it. I couldn't help but laugh as I recalled sitting through a 122-10 shellacking my son's fifth grade basketball team took (YES, you read that right 122-10). I wanted to go down and take over coaching the team. It was so hard to watch until it actually got funny and by the time the game was over, I was composed enough to avoid offering any advice. I think ice cream was the solution :-)
It's hard being a dad and we always screw up from time to time. Good for you for recognizing your issue here and good luck with this weekend's go round.
You acted like many parents of 11-yr old athletes.
You want to see them perform at their best, have the intensity to reach that goal, and an understanding of the behavior required to put those ideals together.
The problem is that they are 11-years old. Barely do they have life experience to even understand those concepts.
I had a similar experience with my daughter, who had athletic ability in both soccer and basketball and tenacity/toughness, but not the discipline to use those skills to the highest level.
I was an athlete in HS and college (track and football) and knew little about the finer points of her sports.
I came to become a "fan" and not a "parent coach" when I was on the sideline of a BB game (an "assistant assistant" --- drill helper in practices) when she was 11 or 12, yelling observations to her.
She was taking the ball up court and stopped in front of me and said, "Stop yelling plays to me. I can't understand you with the other coachs yelling too."
I looked at the actual coach and asked, "Am I becoming one of those parents?"
He nodded to me, yes. I walked over to the grandstand and never offered my opinion again while she played her games on Travel team and High School.
BTW - she was offered a scholie for college soccer, turned it down, joined the Navy, has her MS degree from Tufts, and plays adult soccer, having the fun she remembers as an early teen!
Great job dad. I recalled my times working with and watching my son and daughter and their athletic endeavors. I was a nervous wreck to them, their coaches, their mom and sometimes the umps. I'm apologizing to all, except for the umps. And you should see how calm and supportive of my grandkids I am. Totally different mindset. Best thing in the world.
I'm particularly impressed that your boy felt confident enough in his relationship with you to call you out AND that you apologized to him in return. I was a teacher for about a century and learned early on that kids are very forgiving, as long as you listen to what they have to say. Your kid is learning some important life lessons there and from you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, Chris. We are parents to a 30 year old and am still learning from him! We have been down the same road as you and it is hard. Parenting is hard, the hardest job you will ever have, yet the most rewarding. We had those same sports moments and our son would get frustrated with us, more specifically his dad (my husband). He would say, just let me play and don’t say a word unless it can be constructive criticism AFTER the game, not during, I don’t want to look to the sidelines and see you upset. I am out there doing the best that I can, at that moment. Our son was also a pitcher and it was hard if he was pulled off the mound. We hope that we don’t make the same mistakes our parents did, yet we, ourselves, make different mistakes and on and on it goes. We are human, we are not perfect. It’s an amazing gift to become parents and as much wisdom as we teach them, they can teach us as well.
Thanks for sharing, Chris! Helpful for all of us parents. Greatly appreciate that you had the humility to see that your son was right.....and that you had the kindness to share that observation with the rest of us
This is all so relatable for me. I, too, have an 11 year old baseball player and I send the same message to him (i.e., trying hard and having fun are what really matter). I try my best to practice what I preach, but I totally fail at times as well. I like to think that having an earnest belief that effort and enjoyment are most important (and articulating that to our kids) goes a long way, even if our actions aren't always in lockstep with what comes out of our mouths. I appreciate the honesty of your pieces on parenting. It's challenging for everyone.
There is no such thing as parenting perfection. Thanks for sharing, Chris. And, for being able to learn a lesson from your son. It takes a man to recognize a mistake, to try to learn from it, and to share the lesson with the rest of us.
I am trying to hold myself accountable.
It’s fine (and good) to hold yourself accountable. It might even be appropriate when your son points out your mixed messages, to acknowledge that and thank him. The fact that he can tell you that says a lot right there. He feels comfortable enough to tell you what he’s really thinking. You should be proud of creating an environment where he feels like he can be honest with you.
A small kudos to your kid for speaking up. I don't think I would have been as brave as him to speak up and point out MY Dad's contradictions. I think it is a very positive compliment to your relationship if he's comfortable giving you constructive criticism without fear. It's a bonus that you're willing to listen and learn from it.
I agree. I never would have done that with my dad. It made me happy (even as it annoyed me in the moment).
I just want to say how much I love this article! Parenting is hard, but it helps when you hear that you aren't the only one who isn't perfect at it. We can learn so much from our children!
I consider myself to be an excellent parent and father. I’m also a very good baseball coach to 13 of the 14 players on the team. To my son, I admit to being a bad coach. I was unfair and overly critical of him.
Thankfully for him, he was a much better golfer than he was a baseball player.
Although an avid golfer, I had no clue on how to coach an aspiring scratch golfer (he achieved that goal in his early 20’s without my help.) Being away from me while playing golf was actually better for his development.
He’s 37 now. No longer plays baseball or softball, but he’s still the best golfer I’ve ever played with.
BTW, I repeated the same scenario with his younger brother, also a scratch golfer.
Both of them have forgiven me!
I’m glad you learned this lesson earlier than I did.
Love reading your stuff. I also love your non-political stuff periodically.
Good parenting is acknowledging your mistakes and sincerely apologizing to your kids when you mess up. And taking the lesson to heart and doing better next time.
The kids are alright, indeed.
Well said!
Being a parent is a CONSTANT work in progress. Being a parent of an 11 yo is different than being a parent to an teenager. Then when they are in college it is WAY different.
I am relearning how to be a parent to an adult and communicate and not try to control like my mother did. Give yourself some Grace.
Very good observations... and good parenting. No parent is perfect, but good parents are honest about their short-comings and learn from it. I couldn't help but laugh as I recalled sitting through a 122-10 shellacking my son's fifth grade basketball team took (YES, you read that right 122-10). I wanted to go down and take over coaching the team. It was so hard to watch until it actually got funny and by the time the game was over, I was composed enough to avoid offering any advice. I think ice cream was the solution :-)
It's hard being a dad and we always screw up from time to time. Good for you for recognizing your issue here and good luck with this weekend's go round.
Thanks, man. I am working on it!
Chris,
You acted like many parents of 11-yr old athletes.
You want to see them perform at their best, have the intensity to reach that goal, and an understanding of the behavior required to put those ideals together.
The problem is that they are 11-years old. Barely do they have life experience to even understand those concepts.
I had a similar experience with my daughter, who had athletic ability in both soccer and basketball and tenacity/toughness, but not the discipline to use those skills to the highest level.
I was an athlete in HS and college (track and football) and knew little about the finer points of her sports.
I came to become a "fan" and not a "parent coach" when I was on the sideline of a BB game (an "assistant assistant" --- drill helper in practices) when she was 11 or 12, yelling observations to her.
She was taking the ball up court and stopped in front of me and said, "Stop yelling plays to me. I can't understand you with the other coachs yelling too."
I looked at the actual coach and asked, "Am I becoming one of those parents?"
He nodded to me, yes. I walked over to the grandstand and never offered my opinion again while she played her games on Travel team and High School.
BTW - she was offered a scholie for college soccer, turned it down, joined the Navy, has her MS degree from Tufts, and plays adult soccer, having the fun she remembers as an early teen!
I looked over to the
Great job dad. I recalled my times working with and watching my son and daughter and their athletic endeavors. I was a nervous wreck to them, their coaches, their mom and sometimes the umps. I'm apologizing to all, except for the umps. And you should see how calm and supportive of my grandkids I am. Totally different mindset. Best thing in the world.
Please let both of your sons read this post!
It says a lot about your relationship with your son that he felt comfortable saying that to you. Nice job.
Yep. Definitely the sign of a good, comfortable relationship.
I'm particularly impressed that your boy felt confident enough in his relationship with you to call you out AND that you apologized to him in return. I was a teacher for about a century and learned early on that kids are very forgiving, as long as you listen to what they have to say. Your kid is learning some important life lessons there and from you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, Chris. We are parents to a 30 year old and am still learning from him! We have been down the same road as you and it is hard. Parenting is hard, the hardest job you will ever have, yet the most rewarding. We had those same sports moments and our son would get frustrated with us, more specifically his dad (my husband). He would say, just let me play and don’t say a word unless it can be constructive criticism AFTER the game, not during, I don’t want to look to the sidelines and see you upset. I am out there doing the best that I can, at that moment. Our son was also a pitcher and it was hard if he was pulled off the mound. We hope that we don’t make the same mistakes our parents did, yet we, ourselves, make different mistakes and on and on it goes. We are human, we are not perfect. It’s an amazing gift to become parents and as much wisdom as we teach them, they can teach us as well.
Thanks for sharing, Chris! Helpful for all of us parents. Greatly appreciate that you had the humility to see that your son was right.....and that you had the kindness to share that observation with the rest of us
This is all so relatable for me. I, too, have an 11 year old baseball player and I send the same message to him (i.e., trying hard and having fun are what really matter). I try my best to practice what I preach, but I totally fail at times as well. I like to think that having an earnest belief that effort and enjoyment are most important (and articulating that to our kids) goes a long way, even if our actions aren't always in lockstep with what comes out of our mouths. I appreciate the honesty of your pieces on parenting. It's challenging for everyone.