The lies we tell ourselves about parenting

A new poll reveals our true selves...lurking.

I have two strikes against me when it comes to being a great parent.

The first is that I grew up as an only child of a father, who I have written about here, who struggled with depression throughout my childhood and teen years (and beyond too).

His condition made it hard for me to see proper Dad behavior — if that’s a thing — modeled. He was battling himself so hard that it left very little room for anything else — including any sort of mentorship.

The second is that I am someone who suffers from OCD that is focused on health. Which means, in plain terms: I over-worry about my own health as well as the health of those close to me. Every time my kid gets a cold, I panic that it’s something worse. Every time I have a stomach ache, I am convinced I am dying. It’s exhausting — and annoying for those around me.

So, I come to parenting with a lot of baggage. (I know I am far from alone on this!) And, I have spent a lot of time — especially lately because, well, I have had more time — thinking about a) what sort of parent I am and b) what sort of parent I want to be.

Into that mix comes a massive new survey from the Pew Research Center on parenting. It’s packed with a whole lot of data but there were a few things that stood out to me.

1. Asked how they would rate themselves as a parent, 64% said either “excellent” (18%) or “very good” (46%). Which, wow. On the one hand, I admire your self confidence, America! On the other hand, I don’t share it. I spend part of every day thinking back on stuff I should have said or done better with my kids. I find myself regularly allowing my own issues to get in the way of how I parent. Most days, neither “excellent” nor “very good” describe how I feel about my performance as a parent.

2. Almost half (45%!) of respondents in the Pew survey say they neither push their kids too hard nor push them not hard enough. Again, I say “really?!” I have stood on a whole lot of sidelines while my kids — aged 13 and 9 — have played sports over the years. And I can tell you that there is NO WAY IN HELL that half of us parents are perfectly balanced when it comes to the expectations we set for our kids. I also find it somewhat laughable that only 1 in 4 say they push their kids too hard while 30% said they didn’t push their kids hard enough. Really? 1 in 4? Come on, man.

3. 80% of people said that parenting was rewarding either “all of the time” (36%) or “most of the time” (44%). A similar 82% said it was enjoyable all (25%) or most (58%) of the time. Ahem. There’s no doubt that there are lots of rewarding aspects to parenting! But, there is also no doubt that a whole lot of parenting is, at best, frustrating and, at worst, enraging. The number of times I have envisioned what it will be like to pick my kids up after school (we laugh and talk about their days) versus what it winds up being like (older one looks at his phone, younger one asks me for my phone) is a very high number.

What explains the difference between parenting in real life and parenting in this poll? Simple: No one wants to tell a pollster that parenting can be sort of sucky at times. Or that they find themselves pushing their kids way too hard. Or that they have plenty of days when they question whether they are doing it — any of it — right.

(To be clear: I am certain there are some parents out there who think they are nailing the whole thing and who find every moment with their kids to be pure bliss. I just don’t know them.)

There’s a corrosive effect to the commitment by people to portray the image of parenting that they believe is societally acceptable. It makes it harder for everyone else who is, at least at time, slogging through the days of being a parent.

If you truly believe that 80% of parents find the time they spend with their children to be rewarding all or most of the time, it will inevitably make you feel terrible if and when you don’t feel that way.

But everyone who is a parent knows that those hard time exist. And there may be periods — *cough* teenage years *cough* — where parenting is more a struggle than it is rewarding.

And that’s ok! Because we are all going through it — or have gone through it. Talk to any parent of a successful adult and they will tell you that things weren’t all hunky dory when their kid (or kids) were growing up. There were times when thing sucked. And they got through it.

The one word I keep coming back to in my parenting journey is resilience. I want my kids to learn it so they can understand that one setback or one failure isn’t a conclusive judgement on their lives or who they are. And I want to show resilience in learning how to roll with the inevitable ups and downs of parenting.

When we present parenting without the challenges inherent in shepherding a young person through the world, we do a disservice to ourselves — and to them.