Chris, parenting is the hardest job we will ever do. Kids can break your heart one minute and warm it the next. Not long before my mom passed away, she’s told me that she didn’t think she was the greatest mother and had some regrets. Of course I told her she was the greatest and she did the best she could. That’s all we can do, the best we can with the knowledge and instincts we possess. Will we screw it up at times, of course, we are only human. I,too, have anxiety and OCD. There is a family history of anxiety and depression. My 30 year old son also is dealing with it. Thankfully, these things are more openly talked about but it still has a ways to go. The stigma is still there and not enough mental health care is available. My dad recently passed away and have been doing lots of reflecting as I am now the older generation. I look back on my childhood and know that both my parents tried to give me a safe, warm, loving home and did the best that they could. I am proud to say that they succeeded. I hope my son can say the same thing. As he and his wife contemplate when they will start their family, I hope we can be there to support them through their journey as parents. Parenting is the most rewarding job we will ever have.
Parenting is more of a fur ball than binary survey questions. It is rewarding, stressful, enjoyable and tiring all at once. I have a daughter who pushed herself too hard in HS because her friend group (band nerds) demanded perfection, and a son who is not pushing himself hard enough because his friend group (car guys) don’t think school matters at all. I am doing my best to be there for both as they sort it all out and become functioning members of society. Again, terrifying, rewarding, enjoyable and stressful all wrapped into o e gigantic fur ball!!
Chris, you are so right. All parenting years of four I never felt good enough, because always trying to be better. Parenting the most satisfying thing I e ever done. We told our children, ‘pay
it forward’.
Our parents gave us the best they could, we did the same, then we watched our children do the same, and now our grandchildren. In some ways it’s very hard in others not so much. Children unconsciously know if their parents are doing what is right and good for them. All they really want is love and, especially, your ATTENTION (something many parents don’t understand. Just watch families in public places. It can be very sad).
I think that's a great point. Kids want to feel like we are about them and their time. In a world of cell phones, laptops, streaming services, work and all the rest, our undivided attention is the most valuable thing we can give them!
My beloved Mother once told me after a pretty trying day with my son, "when you know better, you will do better. that's what i did when you all were little..." It was such a moment filled with grace for me as a human when i truly needed it. I am and was a good parent. Yes, i made a boatload of mistakes, and i learned from them and got better. I have dealt with an anxiety disorder my whole life, you being open with your children about your challenges will inoculate them! It will give them the tools they need , if/when they ever have mental health issues to deal with. We are complex creatures and i always come back to the idea that at the end of the day, i was trying the best i could. i am confident that you are as well
Totally agree. My point is that there is no one size fits all formula for parenting and no "right" way to do it. We are all feeling our way through this. And that's ok!
I am with you on this parenting thing. Raising healthy, well adjusted kids is a fluke, not the norm. After all we are each a product of our own parents ability to raise us and truth be told not all of us are good at it. But the good news is if you apply yourself even at a low level of aptitude you can end up with pretty good product. I will say this...I am so grateful I am not raising kids right now. Good luck to you.
My theory: people with adequate time to answer this poll are older and they don’t remember the Struggle Years. They remember the good times and they enjoy the current stage, parenting adult children. Just a theory but that could definitely bias the results!
Truth! Parenting is a psychological and emotional challenge ... physical as well. It’s tough to nurture, guide, convince, and motivate while being tired and worn out. Parents need to chill out and cut themselves some slack. Easier said than done. I’ve got parent teacher conferences on Friday. Godspeed, me!
Enjoyed reading what you say here, Chris. I thought I was a terrible parent (this is an old photo; the baby thinking “She is!” turned 42 yesterday) - I pushed too hard AND not enough, ignored them AND stuck my nose in their business, both to their great annoyance. But they now say they had a happy childhood. Must have been their father’s influence, and their grandparents’ - I was determined that they learn to read before starting school because I didn’t want them to be stuck between Phonics and Whole Language adherents. They’re still both readers, and so are their spouses and children. One bright spot - one of them, in his late 20s, drove across town one night to thank us for never telling him “boys don’t cry” or “ man up” or any of that nonsense. Said it saved him a lot of misery his friends were suffering.
I guess you just do your best with what you have and never know how they’ll turn out. I wish you the best of luck!
Parenting is hard - and you are normal for struggling. We all need to acknowledge there is no handbook and we are doing the best we can. I love how open your piece was and the excellent self reflection. It's a good reminder for me to go review my goals for this year and see how I'm doing.
Chris, I think you end where we all need to begin: in learning resilience as parents as well as compelling our next generation to similarly learn. I'm getting close to graduating(or limping) out of the teenage years, perhaps having won the war after losing every battle, notching a maybe a "good" at parenting on my only very best days...but therein is that cherished parental resilience, just to keep moving the chess pieces on the board, not blindly and dumbly, but with compassion.
Chris, parenting is the hardest job we will ever do. Kids can break your heart one minute and warm it the next. Not long before my mom passed away, she’s told me that she didn’t think she was the greatest mother and had some regrets. Of course I told her she was the greatest and she did the best she could. That’s all we can do, the best we can with the knowledge and instincts we possess. Will we screw it up at times, of course, we are only human. I,too, have anxiety and OCD. There is a family history of anxiety and depression. My 30 year old son also is dealing with it. Thankfully, these things are more openly talked about but it still has a ways to go. The stigma is still there and not enough mental health care is available. My dad recently passed away and have been doing lots of reflecting as I am now the older generation. I look back on my childhood and know that both my parents tried to give me a safe, warm, loving home and did the best that they could. I am proud to say that they succeeded. I hope my son can say the same thing. As he and his wife contemplate when they will start their family, I hope we can be there to support them through their journey as parents. Parenting is the most rewarding job we will ever have.
This is me on so many levels. Jennifer Senior had it exactly right: Parenthood is all joy and no fun.
Parenting is more of a fur ball than binary survey questions. It is rewarding, stressful, enjoyable and tiring all at once. I have a daughter who pushed herself too hard in HS because her friend group (band nerds) demanded perfection, and a son who is not pushing himself hard enough because his friend group (car guys) don’t think school matters at all. I am doing my best to be there for both as they sort it all out and become functioning members of society. Again, terrifying, rewarding, enjoyable and stressful all wrapped into o e gigantic fur ball!!
Ang, what a kind mom.
Chris, you are so right. All parenting years of four I never felt good enough, because always trying to be better. Parenting the most satisfying thing I e ever done. We told our children, ‘pay
it forward’.
Our parents gave us the best they could, we did the same, then we watched our children do the same, and now our grandchildren. In some ways it’s very hard in others not so much. Children unconsciously know if their parents are doing what is right and good for them. All they really want is love and, especially, your ATTENTION (something many parents don’t understand. Just watch families in public places. It can be very sad).
I think that's a great point. Kids want to feel like we are about them and their time. In a world of cell phones, laptops, streaming services, work and all the rest, our undivided attention is the most valuable thing we can give them!
Dear Chris
My beloved Mother once told me after a pretty trying day with my son, "when you know better, you will do better. that's what i did when you all were little..." It was such a moment filled with grace for me as a human when i truly needed it. I am and was a good parent. Yes, i made a boatload of mistakes, and i learned from them and got better. I have dealt with an anxiety disorder my whole life, you being open with your children about your challenges will inoculate them! It will give them the tools they need , if/when they ever have mental health issues to deal with. We are complex creatures and i always come back to the idea that at the end of the day, i was trying the best i could. i am confident that you are as well
thanks
Totally agree. My point is that there is no one size fits all formula for parenting and no "right" way to do it. We are all feeling our way through this. And that's ok!
I am with you on this parenting thing. Raising healthy, well adjusted kids is a fluke, not the norm. After all we are each a product of our own parents ability to raise us and truth be told not all of us are good at it. But the good news is if you apply yourself even at a low level of aptitude you can end up with pretty good product. I will say this...I am so grateful I am not raising kids right now. Good luck to you.
My theory: people with adequate time to answer this poll are older and they don’t remember the Struggle Years. They remember the good times and they enjoy the current stage, parenting adult children. Just a theory but that could definitely bias the results!
Truth! Parenting is a psychological and emotional challenge ... physical as well. It’s tough to nurture, guide, convince, and motivate while being tired and worn out. Parents need to chill out and cut themselves some slack. Easier said than done. I’ve got parent teacher conferences on Friday. Godspeed, me!
Enjoyed reading what you say here, Chris. I thought I was a terrible parent (this is an old photo; the baby thinking “She is!” turned 42 yesterday) - I pushed too hard AND not enough, ignored them AND stuck my nose in their business, both to their great annoyance. But they now say they had a happy childhood. Must have been their father’s influence, and their grandparents’ - I was determined that they learn to read before starting school because I didn’t want them to be stuck between Phonics and Whole Language adherents. They’re still both readers, and so are their spouses and children. One bright spot - one of them, in his late 20s, drove across town one night to thank us for never telling him “boys don’t cry” or “ man up” or any of that nonsense. Said it saved him a lot of misery his friends were suffering.
I guess you just do your best with what you have and never know how they’ll turn out. I wish you the best of luck!
This reminded me so much of this video: https://youtu.be/dGBcRCLdMno
Parenting is hard - and you are normal for struggling. We all need to acknowledge there is no handbook and we are doing the best we can. I love how open your piece was and the excellent self reflection. It's a good reminder for me to go review my goals for this year and see how I'm doing.
Chris, I think you end where we all need to begin: in learning resilience as parents as well as compelling our next generation to similarly learn. I'm getting close to graduating(or limping) out of the teenage years, perhaps having won the war after losing every battle, notching a maybe a "good" at parenting on my only very best days...but therein is that cherished parental resilience, just to keep moving the chess pieces on the board, not blindly and dumbly, but with compassion.