What I'm thankful for

On gratitude.

One year ago, on Thanksgiving, I was in New York City with my family. It should have been a great trip. But, I was distracted.

Distracted by worries about work. Was I on air enough? Was I writing enough? Did my stuff have impact? Was I, in a word, relevant?

Two days after we got back from New York, I got an email — asking me to come into the office ASAP. I did. And I was laid off.

Suddenly, all the things I spent my Thanksgiving break worrying about didn’t matter anymore. My world was utterly rocked. I was reeling. I had no idea what would come next.

Today, one year later, I am sitting in a hotel in Lisbon, Portugal with my older son. The sun is shining. We are a two-minute walk from the beach. I get to watch him do the one thing — play soccer — that he loves the most in the world.

And I am happy. Happier today than I was a year ago. And I think the main reason for the change is that I’ve learned to be thankful for what I have — rather than jealous or resentful for what I don’t have.

That’s not to say the last year hasn’t been hard. The most challenging of my life. Without question. It has, at time, absolutely sucked. I have never doubted myself more. Or questioned my place in the world. Or wondered what the future held.

And there — still — isn’t a clear answer to those questions for me. I am still searching. Still trying to think through what my future looks like. What I want to do. What I can do.

But, what I can report back is that I have survived. I made it.

I remember the day CNN fired me, I didn’t know if I could. I wasn’t sure what life looked like for me if I wasn’t “CNN’s Chris Cillizza.” It felt like I was falling into an abyss.

The thing is that I got up the next day. And the day after that. And on and on — all the way to today.

And what I realized is that while something BIG and IMPORTANT had been taken from me, what I had left was, well, a whole hell of a lot.

My wife has been an understanding and empathetic partner in all of this, helping me navigate a mid career, uh, bump in the road. My kids couldn’t care less whether I worked at CNN or the local Starbucks. (In the year since I was laid off, I don’t think my kids have thought about it — or raised it with me — more than 5 total times.)

We have our health. We have a home. We have all the basic necessities we need to live a good and happy life.

While losing my job created a hole, I’ve filled it with things that have made me, I think, a better parent, husband and person. I’ve been able to go to almost every event at the kids’ school. I’ve been more present with my wife, not glued to my phone or scrolling through Twitter constantly.

And, most importantly, I’ve been forced to reconsider what makes me, well, me. Is it being on TV? No. Is it having people recognize me in airports? No. Is it a bunch of Twitter followers? No.

All of those things mattered WAY too much to me a year ago. They were how I defined success. How I defined happiness.

But the thing was that I wasn’t happy! I was always worried about my place in the organization. Whether I was moving up or moving down. If I was, somehow, failing.

I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was forced to step aside. Only with that perspective did I realize my priorities were screwed up. I was too focused on being someone, always striving for the next rung on the ladder. I was not nearly focused enough on the now, appreciating what I had in the present.

I’d like to tell you that problem is totally fixed. That I live fully in every moment. But that wouldn’t be true. There are plenty of times when I still doubt myself. When I find myself worrying about what the future will look like for me. When I panic that I don’t have a set path.

But those feelings have happened less and less as this year has passed. And, today, I am going to go outside, sit by the ocean and just count my blessings. Because I have a whole lot to be thankful for.

I hope you are able to celebrate Thanksgiving today with the ones you love.