What I've learned about being a dad

On parenting.

I was planning to write this reflection on being a dad on Father’s Day.

But, my wife had a full day planned for us — mini golf, lunch, driving range, dinner — and I just didn’t get to it.

Which is, I’ve come to realize, how it should be.

My life has changed drastically over the past few years. I went from being at an office every day to working remotely to — after having been laid off by CNN late last year — not working for the first time in my life to, now, working for myself.

It’s the biggest transition I’ve ever dealt with. And, as I wrote recently, I still, struggle regularly with it. I am a work in progress — big time.

But one thing I’ve realized — especially in the last 6 months — is that I wasn’t terribly present for my family for a lot of the last 5-ish years.

Work was the major reason — I was always on my phone or thinking of the next thing I had to do or write or say.

My anxiety played a role too. I was often just grinding through the days, distracted by my own worries to the point where that was all I was focused on.

Add it up and I was someone who was always robbing Peter to pay Paul — halfway committed to a lot of what I was doing — including family life.

I tried to make up for it — especially as a dad — by spoiling my kids, buying them what they wanted, treating them to Starbucks after school and the like.

It was my way of showing a) I cared about them and b) I was thinking of them.

And, to be frank, they loved it! What kid doesn’t like to be spoiled and get whatever they want? None that I know of!

What I’ve done in the last six months though is something very different: Rather than buy them stuff, I’ve tried to be present and spend time with them. (Confession: I still do buy them stuff.)

For the second half of the school year, I dropped them off and picked them up almost every day. I’ve been able to go to every baseball game and soccer game. Been at the dinner table every night.

Now, I haven’t always succeeded. I still struggle with anxiety — at times to the point of distraction. I still catch myself looking at my phone at the dinner table at times. It’s damn hard to just be present in the moment.

But, I am working at it. And realizing that what kids really want isn’t a bunch of presents — although they would gladly take them — but just for you to be around them.

That doesn’t mean they will always engage with you or even often engage with you. (My 14 year old is a man of few words.).

What it does mean is that there is comfort for them (and for you) in simply being in the same room or the same house with them. Or being on the sidelines so they can look over if they need reassurance. Or in the stands cheering them on — regardless of the results of the game.

Again, I am hesitant to put myself out there as a successful example of present (or even close to perfect) parenting. I still get WAY stressed out when my younger son pitches. I still annoy the crap out of them (and they me) at times. I struggle. Period.

But, what I have realized over the last 6 months is that when you strip away everything else — and I have had that stripped away from me — what you are left with is your family.

Plenty of people who once called and emailed me don’t anymore. I am less sought after than I once was. Maybe that will change. But for now it’s reality.

But, my kids? They couldn’t care less. I told them about being laid off — and they asked some questions about it — but, to them, it was just a passing piece of news.

What they cared about — and what really matters — is that I would now be free to play an even bigger role — as Dad — in their lives. (When I get down, I try to see myself through their eyes; not as a guy who got laid off from CNN but simply as their dad.)

I’ve tried to lean into that role. As I’ve written before, I’ve come to realize that for a lot of years I defined myself solely (or close to it) through whatever company I worked for — CNN’s Chris Cillizza, WaPo’s Chris Cillizza — rather than who I was.

That’s changed over the last months. I am now not Substack’s Chris Cillizza. (Though I love Substack!) I am just Chris Cillizza, dad and husband.

It’s the most important role I will ever play. Raising two young men is a tremendous opportunity and responsibility. I don’t think I ever fully grasped it until all of the other clutter in my life was peeled away.

And so, I spent Father’s Day with my family. Just being there. Being present.

I knew writing about it could wait a day. Which is, for me, progress.