Doesn't fix the sad (and nothing wrong with a little bit of sadness when it comes to your kids growing older), but one of things I really enjoy with my kids getting older is seeing who they become as young adults. What are their passions, how do they think, where do they end up living, who are their friends? As parents we do find joy in loving them, teaching them and just being with them doing activities, but there is a new level when our children become the ones leading the way and we get to watch or join in on the journey. It is so much fun when one of your kids shows you a new place, new restaurant, a new band and they become more like the parent and you get the role of wide-eyed kid.
Chris, it so refreshing to hear a father express emotions about his children and family. I’m sure your boys will remember all the special times you have spent with them. Give yourself credit - your younger boy is right to call you the best!
Chris, I greatly appreciate that you role model that adult men are allowed to have feelings. That's a valuable public service. And, that's not a sarcastic remark.
Perhaps my experience can give you something to look forward to.
I have 2 boys and a girl. They are all adults now. Without a doubt, the teen years were our most contentious, as they stretched their wings, and inevitably we struggled with a joint understanding of boundaries.
Now, they are all 30 and above. We are all--my wife and me with the kids, the kids with each other--good friends. We're tight. We rely on and trust each other.
The two most gratifying comments I've received from my kids are 1) that they are lucky they got us as parents (that's as a result of observing their friends' parents, who they report as being varying degrees of dysfunctional); and, 2) On a family vacation trip to NYC, my oldest son (30 at the time) remarked, as he and I walked side by side down a street in Harlem "Dad, what are we ever going to do with out you to answer our questions". I had had no idea the kids knew how much I meant to them...not consciously, anyway.
And now, 2 of my children have given me 3 grandsons that are the absolute delight of my life. A whole new generation to take to and from school, or games, and to visit with and get varying degrees of windows into their inner worlds (that varying window is true of grandsons, too).
I am very fortunate that all of my children and their families live in my immediate area.
Someone recently asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. My answer was an immediate "a family dinner at our house with all the kids". Those are my favorite events at this stage of my life.
So, appreciate your wistfulness in these moments this fall. But, I hope you can also look forward to the future joy that being close with your sons may be able to bring you.
I feel sad reading this article, and I feel sad reading most of the comments listed here. (I must admit, I couldn't read them all, they made me so sad.) I was a stay-at-home Mom with two children born 4 yrs apart. My husband worked, but we just got by. We had one car, which my husband needed to drive to his job one hour away. On his "day off" he might work a day's overtime...if not, he liked to golf, so when I say I was home with my children all the time, it was ALL the time. If the weather was good, I would seat them in their red wagon and walk the 30 minutes to the local park. It was hard not to have any sort of transportation, but we made do with the red wagon. I was a great cook and a masterful seamstress. I made many of the clothes worn by the four of us. I was a decent housekeeper, and I read to my daughter and son every day. We went through stacks of books which I managed to get from the library after dinner and dishes were done (by me). When my first child started school and I had a few hours alone with the second child, I felt a sort of mild euphoria. But when my second child started school, I was downright ecstatic to have a few hours to myself.
When school vacation came, it was tough. Have you seen the plaque that says, "Mom is my nickname. My full name is Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" That was me. September was my favorite month of the year. Somehow I'd made it through July and August. I have memories of the last day of summer vacation. It felt something like Christmas Eve for a full-time Mom. After my children had gone to bed, I'd iron their school uniforms, and line up the new lunchboxes on the counter. I had made it through another summer, with my sanity more or less intact.
Many years have gone by since then. My husband passed away relatively young, and my children are now in their 40's, but I have to say that summertime was a challenge to be home with two young children. Every.single.year.
I'm really glad that your experience has been a different one. Evidently, in reading several of the other comments, most readers have had other experiences very different from mine, too. It just seems so foreign to me. I almost didn't write this response. In the end, I felt compelled to simply state that some parents have different memories. Maybe men have a different take on these things. May my thoughts simply represent a contrasting view, and may you continue to enjoy every moment that you can with your two boys. They are so blessed to have you around.
Time is undefeated, unfortunately! You can find joy in knowing they will successfully launch ... you've set them up for a successful life. They carry the torch forward.
Buck up, what you are feeling is very natural. Once they are gone you can pat yourself on the back and say, "I did my best". Your guidance should make them good adults. As a parent you want your kids to be better than you. If they up doing great things in life all the better.
Thanks, Linda. I am trying to be more open about my life -- and what's affecting me. I think people think of journalists as robots but we, of course, have internal lives (and struggles) too.
My two children are much older than yours and I still feel sad over the passage of time—and these school markers have no more meaning for us. The trade off is that I get to see the wonderful adults my children have become. We have great relationships that were forged over the years of driving them to school and games and friends.
Feeling sad and reflective is normal. My granddaughter is starting 6th grade! 😔 how did that happen! Being reflective helps the hard be bearable...all the memories. This is next chapter and I have no doubt you will embrace it fully!
i loved this post and i really appreciated the comments. We are good people! Chris, i am a Univ professor. I can tell you right now, they are "adults" in body only. my first few yrs teaching were rough, why were they so needy, what is up with having to explain things 5 times, how could you not eat for 3 days!? And then it hit me, they are kids. Your children will become lovely adults some day, but they are going to need their dad for quite some time, whew! right!?
My husband passed away 11 months before the covid shut down. I found walking to be so restorative, a real life saver. I hope that with the kids in school for a few hours you can get outside. (i think it is the outside part that makes this so valuable). walking allows you to think/not think, just be. I started practicing gratitude during my hikes. I found that i am part of all this.... what is happening right now is really just a blip. it allowed me to savor the moment. I know that sounds very kumbaya, but it is true. This is a challenging time for you, and you are definitely making it work. When you look back on this time i hope you see that there was some real grace as well. It is there for you.
A
PS ( i was a professional dancer prior to my Univ career. My family always said i was the best after a performance. when your son says you are the best... take that to the bank!)
Heidi Stevens wrote a great column in Sunday’s Chicago Tribune about surviving your kids leaving for college. She quotes an author/psychologist who points out that the first 18 years with our kids is the foundation for what ideally will be a many-decade long relationship. So while it won’t be the same, we’ll be connected to our kids always. My baby just turned 40, and I enjoy my adult children more than I can say. So you have that to look forward to! Still…there’s no doubt that watching them leave home is a tough time.
Dear Chris… I loved you caring heartfelt essay on how you feel about seeing your kids grow older and less dependent. It’s not easy. When my 4 kids went to college I was very upset. Even leading up to them leaving and thinking about it. It’s because your relationship with them is forever changed in that they are on their own and most likely may not live at home afterward. It’s a new chapter and it’s hard, but you’ll get through it. Enjoy them now as you’re doing and you’ll have no regrets Chris. I can tell by your words what great Dad you are and how lucky they are to have you! Relax, breathe, enjoy the now. ♥️🍀
First, I came to realize a number of years ago that the most important legacy that we leave to our world is our children. Therefore, it is our most important job as parents.
Second. They. Always. Need. You!
We have three kids, 28-37 and six grandchildren. We are very close with them and see them regularly, even though one lives 2100 miles away.
Your perspective is very mature for a youngin’ like you. Great column. I love when you stray away from politics periodically.
Just so you know, parenting never ends, it just changes. Yes, the passages through each stage of life are times of reflection, sadness, and anticipation, but the oft given advice is so true, “enjoy every moment.” It really does seem to go by in the blink of an eye. The adult version of parenting is definitely different, more like coaching or mentoring, but can be just as crucial and rewarding, and if you’re fortunate, there might be grandchildren to help you remember and enjoy the early stages of life all over again!
Just remember that if your children are becoming more independent you have done your job as a parent. Sometimes it's hard to loosen our grip but loosen we must. Otherwise our children never become productive adults. Keep doing what you're doing!!
Doesn't fix the sad (and nothing wrong with a little bit of sadness when it comes to your kids growing older), but one of things I really enjoy with my kids getting older is seeing who they become as young adults. What are their passions, how do they think, where do they end up living, who are their friends? As parents we do find joy in loving them, teaching them and just being with them doing activities, but there is a new level when our children become the ones leading the way and we get to watch or join in on the journey. It is so much fun when one of your kids shows you a new place, new restaurant, a new band and they become more like the parent and you get the role of wide-eyed kid.
Hal, that is really good perspective. And I am very much looking forward to that stage!
Chris, it so refreshing to hear a father express emotions about his children and family. I’m sure your boys will remember all the special times you have spent with them. Give yourself credit - your younger boy is right to call you the best!
Thanks, Karen. I don't always feel that way but it's nice to know someone out there loves you unconditionally.
Chris, I greatly appreciate that you role model that adult men are allowed to have feelings. That's a valuable public service. And, that's not a sarcastic remark.
Perhaps my experience can give you something to look forward to.
I have 2 boys and a girl. They are all adults now. Without a doubt, the teen years were our most contentious, as they stretched their wings, and inevitably we struggled with a joint understanding of boundaries.
Now, they are all 30 and above. We are all--my wife and me with the kids, the kids with each other--good friends. We're tight. We rely on and trust each other.
The two most gratifying comments I've received from my kids are 1) that they are lucky they got us as parents (that's as a result of observing their friends' parents, who they report as being varying degrees of dysfunctional); and, 2) On a family vacation trip to NYC, my oldest son (30 at the time) remarked, as he and I walked side by side down a street in Harlem "Dad, what are we ever going to do with out you to answer our questions". I had had no idea the kids knew how much I meant to them...not consciously, anyway.
And now, 2 of my children have given me 3 grandsons that are the absolute delight of my life. A whole new generation to take to and from school, or games, and to visit with and get varying degrees of windows into their inner worlds (that varying window is true of grandsons, too).
I am very fortunate that all of my children and their families live in my immediate area.
Someone recently asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. My answer was an immediate "a family dinner at our house with all the kids". Those are my favorite events at this stage of my life.
So, appreciate your wistfulness in these moments this fall. But, I hope you can also look forward to the future joy that being close with your sons may be able to bring you.
This very much gives me something to look forward to! So thank you!
Chris,
I feel sad reading this article, and I feel sad reading most of the comments listed here. (I must admit, I couldn't read them all, they made me so sad.) I was a stay-at-home Mom with two children born 4 yrs apart. My husband worked, but we just got by. We had one car, which my husband needed to drive to his job one hour away. On his "day off" he might work a day's overtime...if not, he liked to golf, so when I say I was home with my children all the time, it was ALL the time. If the weather was good, I would seat them in their red wagon and walk the 30 minutes to the local park. It was hard not to have any sort of transportation, but we made do with the red wagon. I was a great cook and a masterful seamstress. I made many of the clothes worn by the four of us. I was a decent housekeeper, and I read to my daughter and son every day. We went through stacks of books which I managed to get from the library after dinner and dishes were done (by me). When my first child started school and I had a few hours alone with the second child, I felt a sort of mild euphoria. But when my second child started school, I was downright ecstatic to have a few hours to myself.
When school vacation came, it was tough. Have you seen the plaque that says, "Mom is my nickname. My full name is Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" That was me. September was my favorite month of the year. Somehow I'd made it through July and August. I have memories of the last day of summer vacation. It felt something like Christmas Eve for a full-time Mom. After my children had gone to bed, I'd iron their school uniforms, and line up the new lunchboxes on the counter. I had made it through another summer, with my sanity more or less intact.
Many years have gone by since then. My husband passed away relatively young, and my children are now in their 40's, but I have to say that summertime was a challenge to be home with two young children. Every.single.year.
I'm really glad that your experience has been a different one. Evidently, in reading several of the other comments, most readers have had other experiences very different from mine, too. It just seems so foreign to me. I almost didn't write this response. In the end, I felt compelled to simply state that some parents have different memories. Maybe men have a different take on these things. May my thoughts simply represent a contrasting view, and may you continue to enjoy every moment that you can with your two boys. They are so blessed to have you around.
Time is undefeated, unfortunately! You can find joy in knowing they will successfully launch ... you've set them up for a successful life. They carry the torch forward.
Buck up, what you are feeling is very natural. Once they are gone you can pat yourself on the back and say, "I did my best". Your guidance should make them good adults. As a parent you want your kids to be better than you. If they up doing great things in life all the better.
Very true, Kelly. I am comforting myself knowing that I am doing the best that I can!
Thank you for sharing! I enjoy and look forward to your political commentary but these glimpses into your life are a special treat.
Thanks, Linda. I am trying to be more open about my life -- and what's affecting me. I think people think of journalists as robots but we, of course, have internal lives (and struggles) too.
My two children are much older than yours and I still feel sad over the passage of time—and these school markers have no more meaning for us. The trade off is that I get to see the wonderful adults my children have become. We have great relationships that were forged over the years of driving them to school and games and friends.
Feeling sad and reflective is normal. My granddaughter is starting 6th grade! 😔 how did that happen! Being reflective helps the hard be bearable...all the memories. This is next chapter and I have no doubt you will embrace it fully!
i loved this post and i really appreciated the comments. We are good people! Chris, i am a Univ professor. I can tell you right now, they are "adults" in body only. my first few yrs teaching were rough, why were they so needy, what is up with having to explain things 5 times, how could you not eat for 3 days!? And then it hit me, they are kids. Your children will become lovely adults some day, but they are going to need their dad for quite some time, whew! right!?
My husband passed away 11 months before the covid shut down. I found walking to be so restorative, a real life saver. I hope that with the kids in school for a few hours you can get outside. (i think it is the outside part that makes this so valuable). walking allows you to think/not think, just be. I started practicing gratitude during my hikes. I found that i am part of all this.... what is happening right now is really just a blip. it allowed me to savor the moment. I know that sounds very kumbaya, but it is true. This is a challenging time for you, and you are definitely making it work. When you look back on this time i hope you see that there was some real grace as well. It is there for you.
A
PS ( i was a professional dancer prior to my Univ career. My family always said i was the best after a performance. when your son says you are the best... take that to the bank!)
Heidi Stevens wrote a great column in Sunday’s Chicago Tribune about surviving your kids leaving for college. She quotes an author/psychologist who points out that the first 18 years with our kids is the foundation for what ideally will be a many-decade long relationship. So while it won’t be the same, we’ll be connected to our kids always. My baby just turned 40, and I enjoy my adult children more than I can say. So you have that to look forward to! Still…there’s no doubt that watching them leave home is a tough time.
Dear Chris… I loved you caring heartfelt essay on how you feel about seeing your kids grow older and less dependent. It’s not easy. When my 4 kids went to college I was very upset. Even leading up to them leaving and thinking about it. It’s because your relationship with them is forever changed in that they are on their own and most likely may not live at home afterward. It’s a new chapter and it’s hard, but you’ll get through it. Enjoy them now as you’re doing and you’ll have no regrets Chris. I can tell by your words what great Dad you are and how lucky they are to have you! Relax, breathe, enjoy the now. ♥️🍀
Sincerely…Mary Baker
First, I came to realize a number of years ago that the most important legacy that we leave to our world is our children. Therefore, it is our most important job as parents.
Second. They. Always. Need. You!
We have three kids, 28-37 and six grandchildren. We are very close with them and see them regularly, even though one lives 2100 miles away.
Your perspective is very mature for a youngin’ like you. Great column. I love when you stray away from politics periodically.
I'm a tall man, 6-3, and there was a special kind of parental grief when my younger son grew taller than me.
Just so you know, parenting never ends, it just changes. Yes, the passages through each stage of life are times of reflection, sadness, and anticipation, but the oft given advice is so true, “enjoy every moment.” It really does seem to go by in the blink of an eye. The adult version of parenting is definitely different, more like coaching or mentoring, but can be just as crucial and rewarding, and if you’re fortunate, there might be grandchildren to help you remember and enjoy the early stages of life all over again!
Just remember that if your children are becoming more independent you have done your job as a parent. Sometimes it's hard to loosen our grip but loosen we must. Otherwise our children never become productive adults. Keep doing what you're doing!!