I have pretty severe social anxiety, so hanging out has never been my forte. I married someone who makes a real effort to stay in touch with friends, and he gave me some good advice when he saw my struggle with relationships. He said that you must be the friend that you’d like to have. Listen as you’d like someone to listen to you, ask the questions that you’d like someone to ask you, and know when to just be quiet. Being the one to start a conversation, to tease out something interesting from a new acquaintance, to just let a good friend vent when they need to vent….suddenly mindful hanging out isn’t so hard. And there’s time in any schedule, if you look for it.
Too true. I've been a hermit for almost 4 years now. When I have appointments now...I engage anyone willing for idle chatter. Its been amazing how many people are grateful for a hand to shake or fist bump. Any connection you make...even a smile and hello makes someones day and proves the world is not totally nuts out there!
I have tried reaching out. (Including emailing you, Chris.) Crickets. There’s a reason people who have been trying to connect since the Reagan years don’t anymore. The struggle is too real, and my forehead is misshapen from banging it on brick walls. Too confessional?
When I retired a few years ago I took up playing pickleball. It was mostly to keep me active and not become sedentary. But the benefits have far outweighed just the fitness ones. I have met a group of friends that I play with regularly. As we are waiting to play we talk about everything under the sun. I’ve shared sorrow and grief with the loss of a spouse. Shared love for our pet companions and the many trials they bring. I shared sorrow with my friends when their beloved Ravens were beaten by the Chiefs and then they returned the favor when my 49ers were subjected to the same. And we don’t just meet on the court. We have started having a lunch get together every other month. I feel a connection with them that I had not felt in my working world since my AF retirement many years earlier. My primary care physician said that the number one killer of male adults when they finally retire is lack of social connection. I’m determined to live into my 90’s so I need all the support and connectedness I can get.
Exactly. Playing in several top notch 30-70 player bands, serious music performance like British style brass bands, and duet/trio/quartet rehearsals does this for me.
I am an introvert who, if I didn't make the effort, would spend all my time alone reading. But I know this isn't healthy for me, so when I retired, I decided to make sure I had sufficient face to face time talking to people, and it has been the best thing. I have several people that I meet once/month for breakfast or lunch, and I make sure that before we part, we set up next month's date and time. (If I didn't do that, I know I would realize after a few months that I hadn't talked to so-and-so in quite a while.) The people I do this with get as much out of it as I do; they feel gratified that they are so important to someone. I have had more wonderful, deep, fascinating conversations than I can count and have learned so much. And Chris is right, the benefit of a morning meeting over breakfast lasts the whole day. I have been fighting some pretty hopeless feelings the last few days because of the state of the world and my fears about the future. Then I went to a scheduled breakfast with my son this morning and had a wonderful conversation whose spirit-lifting benefits will last, I am sure, for the next few days.
I am an introvert & an only child. Being an only child, I got used to lots of alone time, plenty of kids in the neighborhood so did have playmates. I have generalized anxiety disorder as well as social anxiety. It’s always hard for me as I do not do small talk well and hate to start a conversation. Many times, I preferred to stay home as opposed to going out to a function. When we would go out, I wound up actually having a good time. When I had my son, we had moved to a new town and joined the newcomers club to meet other moms with kids my sons age. It was a big step for me as I am not one to put myself out there. There were playgroups and “field trips” with the kids as well as ladies nights out & couples nights out. We remained friends throughout our son’s schooling, moms going to lunch every 2 weeks once the kids were in school. We moved 2.5 years ago, out of state, we have met our neighbors and become friends with many of them. Another time that I have had to put myself out there but there are many times, I’d rather just stay home. As much as have those feelings of staying home, I miss having that person (or 2) to go grab breakfast out, or out for a cup of coffee but so far haven’t met that person.
The pandemic made the problem much worse, especially for kids. And now they have become accustomed to living in their new digital world, and it will be very difficult to extricate them from that world.
So much of what you say here hits home regarding social media interactions vs personal interaction. Everyone wants to make their life 👀 so wonderful on social media. We had a tragic loss in our family and it got that i felt even worse after reading how great everyone’s life was out there in the universe. However if you can converse with someone in person, you find everyone has their own struggles. We are not alone.
Wonderful column! Thank you for writing about a subject that might be considered boring to some, but I believe is absolutely essential to our mental health and therefore leads to the health of our society as a whole. I'm big on community, as I've noted here before. And when I moved to a different state 2 years ago, I left the best community. Close friends, casual friends, dog-walking friends, previous work buddies that reconnected as true friends. All were so important to my mental well-being. I'm mostly an introvert, so, as Chris said, sometimes it's extremely hard to 'get out and meet someone' in person. Losing that in-person community when I moved was like a grieving process. And starting over has been really hard. But I've found such lovely, caring people in my new neighborhood that I feel really good about the move. And if we feel good about our communities, we can strive to feel good about humanity as a whole, maybe even get through this crisis (my opinion) of folks not believing in facts or science or compromise for the good of society.
I have bad social anxiety so yea, face to face so I'm glad this was able to work for you, but hanging out with people just makes me so nervous and I usually spend the aftermath beating myself up over all the stupid stuff I said.
I am basically an introvert like a few people in this comment section. When I retired a little over a year ago, there were people I wanted to stay connected with so now I am very intentional about getting together with them on a regular basis. Sometimes I don't want to make the effort especially if I'm meeting my friends in the evening. This happened earlier this week, but I forced myself into something other than a sweatshirt and yoga pants, put on some mascara and met my friends for drinks and appetizers. And of course, the evening was great, and I went home thinking that my life is better for having these friends as a part of my life. Since I retired, I joined the neighborhood book club and am thinking about volunteering. My sister always maintains that people become "weird" if they don't have social connections.
At my advanced age (77) and having moved to a new state to be closer to family, I struggle to make new friends and keep the old ones (of which there are few). I am in a Sunday school class of mature women. In that group there is a subgroup of about 10-12 who go out to lunch twice a month as well as one Sunday after church. I force myself to go so I can make connections and possibly a friend....it is a challenge for me as I find it easier to stay at home. I also text about 12-15 people once a week with a gif of the day so they know I am thinking of them. A number of those people have commented that they like them. I hate phone calls. I tell people "text me, email me and if there is blood in the street, call me". I also hate the idea of going out but like you, Chris, I feel much better when I return from face-to-face meetings. The struggle is real and like any other struggle...there are bad days, good days and better days.
Chris, thank you for writing this powerful piece, particularly with all of the personal data to back it up. It's heartening to know that we haven't forgotten that being human means acting with humanity.
The subtleties of in-person communication are so powerful: the raised eyebrow, the look of sympathy, the laughter that starts so hard it's silent, the firm handshakes and hugs, the eye contact... It all adds up to deeper connections with people who matter.
I'm feeling the same things but on the opposite side, I've got time but not people. I worked for a tiny company years and years ago (9 people total), had a medically complex, disabled baby (no mom groups or play dates) and now she's in Kindergarten I have days with free time. But I've been so isolated since before the pandemic it's almost normal now that the only person I actually speak to on any given day is my hubby. Maybe a phone call to one of my daughters doctors or therapists. Do you have any thoughts for isolated people, or those who don't have anyone local to reconnect with?
I have pretty severe social anxiety, so hanging out has never been my forte. I married someone who makes a real effort to stay in touch with friends, and he gave me some good advice when he saw my struggle with relationships. He said that you must be the friend that you’d like to have. Listen as you’d like someone to listen to you, ask the questions that you’d like someone to ask you, and know when to just be quiet. Being the one to start a conversation, to tease out something interesting from a new acquaintance, to just let a good friend vent when they need to vent….suddenly mindful hanging out isn’t so hard. And there’s time in any schedule, if you look for it.
Too true. I've been a hermit for almost 4 years now. When I have appointments now...I engage anyone willing for idle chatter. Its been amazing how many people are grateful for a hand to shake or fist bump. Any connection you make...even a smile and hello makes someones day and proves the world is not totally nuts out there!
I have tried reaching out. (Including emailing you, Chris.) Crickets. There’s a reason people who have been trying to connect since the Reagan years don’t anymore. The struggle is too real, and my forehead is misshapen from banging it on brick walls. Too confessional?
When I retired a few years ago I took up playing pickleball. It was mostly to keep me active and not become sedentary. But the benefits have far outweighed just the fitness ones. I have met a group of friends that I play with regularly. As we are waiting to play we talk about everything under the sun. I’ve shared sorrow and grief with the loss of a spouse. Shared love for our pet companions and the many trials they bring. I shared sorrow with my friends when their beloved Ravens were beaten by the Chiefs and then they returned the favor when my 49ers were subjected to the same. And we don’t just meet on the court. We have started having a lunch get together every other month. I feel a connection with them that I had not felt in my working world since my AF retirement many years earlier. My primary care physician said that the number one killer of male adults when they finally retire is lack of social connection. I’m determined to live into my 90’s so I need all the support and connectedness I can get.
Exactly. Playing in several top notch 30-70 player bands, serious music performance like British style brass bands, and duet/trio/quartet rehearsals does this for me.
I am an introvert who, if I didn't make the effort, would spend all my time alone reading. But I know this isn't healthy for me, so when I retired, I decided to make sure I had sufficient face to face time talking to people, and it has been the best thing. I have several people that I meet once/month for breakfast or lunch, and I make sure that before we part, we set up next month's date and time. (If I didn't do that, I know I would realize after a few months that I hadn't talked to so-and-so in quite a while.) The people I do this with get as much out of it as I do; they feel gratified that they are so important to someone. I have had more wonderful, deep, fascinating conversations than I can count and have learned so much. And Chris is right, the benefit of a morning meeting over breakfast lasts the whole day. I have been fighting some pretty hopeless feelings the last few days because of the state of the world and my fears about the future. Then I went to a scheduled breakfast with my son this morning and had a wonderful conversation whose spirit-lifting benefits will last, I am sure, for the next few days.
I am an introvert & an only child. Being an only child, I got used to lots of alone time, plenty of kids in the neighborhood so did have playmates. I have generalized anxiety disorder as well as social anxiety. It’s always hard for me as I do not do small talk well and hate to start a conversation. Many times, I preferred to stay home as opposed to going out to a function. When we would go out, I wound up actually having a good time. When I had my son, we had moved to a new town and joined the newcomers club to meet other moms with kids my sons age. It was a big step for me as I am not one to put myself out there. There were playgroups and “field trips” with the kids as well as ladies nights out & couples nights out. We remained friends throughout our son’s schooling, moms going to lunch every 2 weeks once the kids were in school. We moved 2.5 years ago, out of state, we have met our neighbors and become friends with many of them. Another time that I have had to put myself out there but there are many times, I’d rather just stay home. As much as have those feelings of staying home, I miss having that person (or 2) to go grab breakfast out, or out for a cup of coffee but so far haven’t met that person.
The pandemic made the problem much worse, especially for kids. And now they have become accustomed to living in their new digital world, and it will be very difficult to extricate them from that world.
Nice piece, Chris. I can relate to so much of it.
So much of what you say here hits home regarding social media interactions vs personal interaction. Everyone wants to make their life 👀 so wonderful on social media. We had a tragic loss in our family and it got that i felt even worse after reading how great everyone’s life was out there in the universe. However if you can converse with someone in person, you find everyone has their own struggles. We are not alone.
Wonderful column! Thank you for writing about a subject that might be considered boring to some, but I believe is absolutely essential to our mental health and therefore leads to the health of our society as a whole. I'm big on community, as I've noted here before. And when I moved to a different state 2 years ago, I left the best community. Close friends, casual friends, dog-walking friends, previous work buddies that reconnected as true friends. All were so important to my mental well-being. I'm mostly an introvert, so, as Chris said, sometimes it's extremely hard to 'get out and meet someone' in person. Losing that in-person community when I moved was like a grieving process. And starting over has been really hard. But I've found such lovely, caring people in my new neighborhood that I feel really good about the move. And if we feel good about our communities, we can strive to feel good about humanity as a whole, maybe even get through this crisis (my opinion) of folks not believing in facts or science or compromise for the good of society.
I have bad social anxiety so yea, face to face so I'm glad this was able to work for you, but hanging out with people just makes me so nervous and I usually spend the aftermath beating myself up over all the stupid stuff I said.
I also tend to beat myself up over things I have said which is why I tend to ask questions so the other person can do most of the talking.
I am basically an introvert like a few people in this comment section. When I retired a little over a year ago, there were people I wanted to stay connected with so now I am very intentional about getting together with them on a regular basis. Sometimes I don't want to make the effort especially if I'm meeting my friends in the evening. This happened earlier this week, but I forced myself into something other than a sweatshirt and yoga pants, put on some mascara and met my friends for drinks and appetizers. And of course, the evening was great, and I went home thinking that my life is better for having these friends as a part of my life. Since I retired, I joined the neighborhood book club and am thinking about volunteering. My sister always maintains that people become "weird" if they don't have social connections.
At my advanced age (77) and having moved to a new state to be closer to family, I struggle to make new friends and keep the old ones (of which there are few). I am in a Sunday school class of mature women. In that group there is a subgroup of about 10-12 who go out to lunch twice a month as well as one Sunday after church. I force myself to go so I can make connections and possibly a friend....it is a challenge for me as I find it easier to stay at home. I also text about 12-15 people once a week with a gif of the day so they know I am thinking of them. A number of those people have commented that they like them. I hate phone calls. I tell people "text me, email me and if there is blood in the street, call me". I also hate the idea of going out but like you, Chris, I feel much better when I return from face-to-face meetings. The struggle is real and like any other struggle...there are bad days, good days and better days.
Chris, thank you for writing this powerful piece, particularly with all of the personal data to back it up. It's heartening to know that we haven't forgotten that being human means acting with humanity.
The subtleties of in-person communication are so powerful: the raised eyebrow, the look of sympathy, the laughter that starts so hard it's silent, the firm handshakes and hugs, the eye contact... It all adds up to deeper connections with people who matter.
Here's to more face to face meetings this year!
Love this! You nailed it.
I'm feeling the same things but on the opposite side, I've got time but not people. I worked for a tiny company years and years ago (9 people total), had a medically complex, disabled baby (no mom groups or play dates) and now she's in Kindergarten I have days with free time. But I've been so isolated since before the pandemic it's almost normal now that the only person I actually speak to on any given day is my hubby. Maybe a phone call to one of my daughters doctors or therapists. Do you have any thoughts for isolated people, or those who don't have anyone local to reconnect with?